It was a vacation planned months in advance. The excitement to travel off-shore to see and explore the unknown was beyond words. With each passing day, the preparations as well as the excitement to embark on this voyage was reaching another level. However, one morning, the newspaper brought the unexpected news of travel restrictions. A sharp axe had fallen on our plans. Although heartbroken and feeling restless for a while, I regained my calm, determined to make the most of the travel leaves we had devoted to this vacation. After all, the vacation was about spending quality time with loved ones, to rediscover ourselves in a new land.
Due to external factors, our plans got shelved but it amazed me that I could control my disappointment and maintain a calm demeanour in the face of it. Not everything is under our control; in fact, many situations are beyond our control. Whenever an unfavourable or unforeseen circumstance arises, our response is usually the kind that leads to the situation becoming worse than it actually it is. Our conditioning is such that we lament every little or big thing that doesn’t go our way.
But the truth is that some situations have even more far-fetched consequences because of our reactions to them. Recently, I came across a query from a harried mother on a social media platform. Her teenage kid was blaming her for not giving him an expensive phone. She mentioned that this blame was making her feel guilty and mentally down. While this situation is a common yet terrible one for many parents of teenagers in our modern society today, this mother’s reaction was such that it was making the situation even worse. It would have been better if she could remove guilt from the situation – after all, buying an expensive phone for one’s child is not exactly a necessity for good parenting.
When we try to objectively look at the situation, we see that both internal and external factors lead up to most things. More importantly, not everything is in our control and when we start understanding it, our lives transform into a happier, more fulfilling one.
So lets gain a deeper insight into what is known as the ‘Circle of Control’ and see how understanding and utilising it can save us from the severe clutches of worrying.
Understanding the Circle of Control
The circle of control was introduced by Stephen R Covey in his iconic book, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.’ The circle of control represents aspects of our life over which we have complete and direct control. Symbolically, it is the circle in which we can take action to bring about a change or make a positive difference. We can control our thoughts, emotions, perceptions, interpretations, motivation, our reactions and resulting actions. Here lies our power to focus and exercise our will power to improve. We can also control our own attitude, our inner peace, what we eat and how to stay healthy, our relationship with family and friends, our productivity and our relationship with finances.
For instance, if you are gaining weight due to imbalanced eating or lack of exercise, it is very much under your circle of control to set up an exercise routine and take stock of your dietary habits. Doing so will help your weight go back to its optimum level. Similarly, taking control of your health will prevent lifestyle diseases like cardiovascular disease or hypertension.
While we cannot control getting infected with an illness, we can certainly improve our health and wellbeing. Also under our control is eating and sleeping well, getting enough sleep and water, exercising regularly and keeping away from any addictions.
What is beyond our control?
While we may take care of our health, there are several infections that are beyond our control. In a similar vein, what transpires in our past and what turn of events our future might bring is beyond our control. Performing to the best of our ability influences our future course but there are other factors which are not under our control – things like other people’s actions, feelings, their opinions about us, climatic conditions, economic environment and other events in life.
How to stop worrying?
It’s important to realise that only a few things are within our power, while others are simply out of our Circle of Control. Once this realisation sets in, one’s major worries gets swept away.
Worrying or the act of letting the mind wander to extreme possibilities, thinking about the worse outcome often cripples us with debilitating thought patterns. We should not waste our energy thinking about things which are outside this circle of control – what others think of us, how others feel, other people’s motives, external situations and what happens around us, the beliefs and perceptions of others and what others say. Remember that our minds are unnecessarily filled with worry when we have this urge to control everything.
What does a calm mind do?
A calm mind free of worry can be profoundly liberating. It brings clarity of thoughts and good decision making skills when we bid adieu to stress, anxiety and focus on what we can actually change.
When we are aware of the circle of control, we continue to work on our strengths as well as our weaknesses. Donald Robertson, a cognitive-behavioural psychotherapist, says “By focussing on what we can control, we can develop a sense of inner calm and resilience that helps us to cope with the challenges of life.” We can aim to make mindful choices in life, aligned with our core values.
Indeed, we need to let go of our urge and conditioning to control everything and ruminating over what we cannot. Most unpleasant situations arise due to our impulsive responses without due reflection.
One thing is certain – that some things are within our control and some things are not. When we develop a clear understanding of this guiding principle, it puts us on the definitive path of happiness and freedom. Life becomes peaceful, productive and our energies are channelized into creative and progressive pursuits. When we understand and embrace the ‘Circle of Control’, we start living wholeheartedly!
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