Grief can rewire the brain, cause brain fog and memory loss: Learning how to cope with it

When actor Andrew Garfield lost his mother to pancreatic cancer in 2019, he spoke about how grief reshaped him. In an interview, he described his sadness as “precise agony”. He spoke about grief as all the unexpressed love that he didn’t get to share. He also stated, “The grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60 or 15 or 99. I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all of the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her, and I told her every day, she was the best of us.” His words resonate with millions of people as they capture the truth that many people quietly carry: that losing someone they love alters them in ways they never expect.

Most people grow up hearing familiar ideas about grief, that time heals, that staying busy helps, that crying is a release and that one day, things go back to normal. And although these beliefs hold some truth and bring comfort, grief rarely follows a pattern. For those who have experienced the loss of a dear one; a father, a mother, a sibling, a friend, a partner or a beloved furry friend, grief tends to become a constant. The loss tends to leave one feeling hollow, confused and detached from the world. It’s a feeling that doesn’t just visit and leave. For many, it lives with them, shaping the choices they make and the way they react to life. It almost crashes like waves, fading without warning and suddenly returning on ordinary days — at the sight of an old message, a photograph, a song, a TV show or even a familiar scent.

No matter how one experiences it, grief is universal. No matter what the age, beliefs or background, losing someone is one of the most human experiences in our world.

Interestingly, scientists have found that grief is not only an emotional feeling but has the ability to change people in unexpected ways, both mentally and physically. Dr. Lisa M Shulman, neurologist and director of the University of Maryland Parkinson’s Disease and Movement Disorders Center explains that traumatic events like loss and personal tragedy can actually rewire the brain. Grief, she says, can cause brain fog, memory issues and emotional instability. These are in fact, signs that the brain is struggling to adapt to the painful new reality.

However, the positive news is that with time and care, one can heal. Taking steps like seeking support, caring for one’s body can help recover and even regain one’s emotional balance. So, join us as we understand how to cope, heal and find our way forward after a painful experience.

Allow time to grieve

Did you know that when one experiences a major loss, the brain enters a state of shock? Their emotional and cognitive systems struggle to adjust to a world where something precious is missing. And when one avoids grief, the brain stays stuck in this state, constantly fighting the reality of loss. This uses enormous mental energy and increases stress hormones that worsens memory problems, fatigue and anxiety. Dr Colleen Mullen, PsyD, LMFT, states, “Bottling up emotions provides a false sense of emotional safety.” Yet, many people try to avoid grieving and dodge it. They keep busy, stay distracted or pretend they are fine because facing the pain feels too heavy. But avoiding grief is not an option.

In fact, delaying the healing leads to numerous other health issues like brain fog, memory loss and even sleeplessness. So, the first step is giving oneself the permission to feel the pain in order to start recovering. When one allows oneself to feel emotions, the brain receives a clear signal of acceptance. This acceptance helps the brain to start creating new paths of thinking, remembering and coping. Over time, these paths help carry the loss more gently.

Author Lexi Berhndt states, “As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, but some days will feel sharp, but grief will last as long as love does, forever. It’s simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede again. It’s all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy, pain and sweet love.” Indeed, while grief surrounding a loss doesn’t disappear completely, when we allow ourselves to feel it, we begin to heal.

Hold on to memories with love

When someone we love passes away, their belongings, like a favorite book, piece of clothing or a photograph, can feel almost too painful to look at. They are no longer there, yet their things remain. It’s natural to want to pack those things away to avoid the pain they bring. However, neuroscientists disagree. They say that when we suppress our memories, the brain experiences more confusion and emotional stress. Further, holding within a lot of grief can intensify memory issues because the mind is constantly fighting to process what has happened. Instead, accepting and gently revisiting memories can help the brain adapt to loss and ease pain.

According to researchers Professor Michael Leming and Dr Christopher Dickenson, memorialising is a universal human experience; it is a way in which people across cultures preserve their bond with someone they have lost through memories, rituals and everyday actions. This process helps the brain to slowly adjust to the absence while keeping the emotional connection alive.

In fact, instead of pushing painful thoughts aside, using memories to remember the love shared can help keep a part of those lost alive. One can see a wonderful example of that in the popular Bollywood movie Rang De Basanti where Waheeda Rehman’s character fondly remembers her late husband with warmth rather than sorrow. With time, memories have the power of bringing with them light and peace, of helping one carry on with grace and love.

Reach out for support

Many would agree that grief can feel like a storm that shakes one’s entire being. American psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor has explained how loss physically affects the brain, similar to a physical pain. The brain struggles to adjust to the sudden absence of someone and that can make everyday functioning confusing, lonely and draining. This is why grief often feels so intense.

During such times, reaching out for support is essential. In fact, one mustn’t face grief alone. Talking to friends, family or taking support from online health groups can bring great comfort. Like in happiness, sharing one’s sorrow makes it better.

Even research backs this. One such study published in the National Library of Medicine states that peer support helps people cope with a sudden or expected loss by reducing its symptoms and improving wellbeing. It also benefits those who provide support by giving them a sense of meaning. So, if sadness feels too heavy to manage, one must seek help, especially the professional kind. Banking on reliable support can help the brain to rebuild trust, process emotions and heal.

Take care of mind and body

When grief takes over, self-care tends to slip into the background. Even the most basic things like eating, sleeping on time and taking a shower can feel meaningless. In many cases, people feel exhausted or too numb to care for themselves at this juncture in life. Some even think that it’s disrespectful to look after themselves after a painful experience.

But caring for oneself is actually a part of healing. This is why experts emphasise on the need to acknowledge and then, gently adjust to the new reality. According to psychiatrist Dr. M Katherine Shear of Columbia University, “To adapt to a loss, a person needs to accept its finality and understand what it means to them. They also have to find a way to re-envision their life with possibilities for happiness and for honouring their enduring connection to the person who died.”

And rejecting self-care can make grief harder to bear and cope with. Studies show that grief does not just affect the heart but the entire body. It can disrupt sleep, weaken the immune system and leave people vulnerable to illnesses. Since the mind and body are deeply connected, it is important to take care of oneself, eat nourishing meals, stay hydrated and get enough sleep. Every act of care sends a message to the brain that with time and care, one can get through this.

Find meaning and new beginnings

One of the most important things to remember on a healing journey is to find purpose.  Working towards a new beginning can help cope with loss in a better way. Having purpose can promote emotional resilience and also help the mind adapt to a life after loss. One can achieve this by helping others or volunteering and pursuing something the loved one always encouraged them to do.

American author and grief expert David Kessler has spoken about how, after the tragic loss of someone dear, finding meaning can be difficult, sometimes taking months or even years. But he states that it’s not about finding meaning in the terrible things that happened, but in what comes after it. He believes that this search for meaning helps one grow as it guides them towards a life that holds purpose.

By finding meaning and purpose after a loss, one can grow around the loss without losing themselves in it. As American author Elizabeth Berrien states, “We never truly ‘get over’ a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.” So, the only way to actually heal is by moving forward.

While neuroscientists elaborate on how loss can literally rewrite the human brain, affecting memory, focus and mood, the brain is a brilliant organ that can adapt and help heal. And while  grief can change us in ways we can’t really imagine, patience and compassion, it can fade, making way for light, hope and wellbeing.