Worse, rewards often cause children to lose interest in whatever they were rewarded for doing. Kohn in another of his case studies mentions young children were introduced to an unfamiliar beverage. Some were just asked to drink it, others were praised lavishly for doing so and the third group was promised treats if it drank enough. Kohn observes, “Those children who received either verbal or tangible rewards consumed more of the beverage than other children, as one might predict. But a week later these children found the drink significantly less appealing than they did before, whereas children who were offered no rewards liked it just as much as, if not more than, they had earlier.” This shows that exercising control over children through bribe does not work in the long run.
Given how neither punishment nor reward motivates a child to intrinsically become better, how then should parents inculcate appropriate behaviour in their children? Here are a few tips from various parenting experts to go beyond punishment and reward:
Establish a strong connection with children
The easiest way to elicit cooperation from children is to build a deep connection with them, says parenting expert Kate Orson in an article titled What To Do Instead Of Punishment And Reward. Children have a natural inclination to laugh and play. So, by spending adequate time playing and having fun with them, we can easily earn their trust and forge that deep connection. Let the child in you come alive when you’re with the little ones—it’s then that we understand children better and get what they’re trying to convey, assures Orson.
Empathise, listen
Usually when a child misbehaves, there is an underlying unresolved emotional reason. And throwing a tantrum is one of the ways children express their pent-up emotions to grab a parent’s attention. So, the first step is to empathise with the upset child, even if the reason seems trivial, suggests psychotherapist Heather Turgeon—who writes on parenting and child development. The more children feel heard and understood, the less likely are they to misbehave. They’d automatically calm down and become okay, she says.
Respect and empower children
Expecting children to comply with rules and regulations and rebuking them when they fail to do so can affect their self-esteem and confidence. Instead, the more we treat a child as a capable individual, the more they are likely to feel motivated to behave appropriately and cooperate with adults, according to parent coach Alessandra Rodel. When children feel empowered, they learn to become resilient and regulate their emotions. This naturally reduces the chances of them misbehaving at a time of distress.
Model behaviour
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them,” wrote novelist James Baldwin. Children are essentially like sponges, soaking up information from their environment. So, even if they appear to not pay attention, we can rest assured that they are observing us. If we want our children to behave appropriately and be respectful towards elders, we need to show it to them, says psychotherapist Amy Morin in an article titled Role Model the Behavior You Want to See From Your Kids. Of course, it is not easy to model appropriate behaviour in front of children all the time. However, the more we consciously try, the more it would help to influence them.
Take some time out when stressed
It is wise to step aside when you’re stressed and accept that being a ‘perfect’ parent is next to impossible. Taking time off to do something that you enjoy when you’re upset with your children has its own benefits. One, you show them how to channel anger constructively; two, you do not inadvertently make them to fear your temper; and three, when you speak to them after you’ve calmed down, you communicate better.